It Might Be Everything
I scoot back and sit cross–legged on my bed, picking at the fraying edge of my blanket while Nikki just watches me.
There’s a soft smile on her lips, like she’s trying to decide if she should start this conversation. I’m floating somewhere between exhausted and just empty, trying to keep my mind focused on the present.
Nikki sighs and tilts her head at me. “You know I called you five times yesterday?”
I blink and look over at her, offering a crooked little smile. “It was fifteen times, actually.”
Her eyes widen. “Really?”
I can’t help but laugh, but it comes out like a tired sigh.
“Fifteen times?! Are you serious? That’s fucking annoying. I get why you didn’t answer me.”
That draws an actual laugh from me. “Did you think I was dead or something?”
“I did!” she says, dramatically slapping her hand over her heart. “I was about two minutes away from driving over and breaking the door down.”
“You wouldn’t have made it past the guys, plus I was sleeping all day” I tell her, my voice soft but teasing.
Her mouth twists into an exaggerated grimace. “I was worried about you.”
The corner of my mouth twitches again. I can’t help but be grateful she’s here, that she cares enough to check up on me.
She shifts onto the bed, turning so she’s fully facing me. “But seriously… are you okay? Yesterday was a lot.”
I lower my gaze, studying my hands in my lap. I can feel my shoulders start to tense. “Yeah, I’m better today.”
She watches me carefully. “You don’t have to pretend with me. If you want to talk about it, I’m here.”
I suck in a sharp breath. My knee bounces once, betraying me. “I don’t know. It was stupid, right? I was overreacting.”
Her brows pinch. She shakes her head immediately. “I don’t think you overreacted. I mean… maybe, maybe there’s more going on? More than just Zaid and Aiden and the Sadie drama?”
I freeze.
She’s looking at me, worried. It’s like she knows, but isn’t aware of how much she can push me. We’re friends, well, she’s my only friend. But how much do we care for each other?
My heart starts thudding in my ears, and for a second, I’m not sitting here on my bed. I’m somewhere else, floating outside myself, staring at this cracked, complicated version of me, wondering if this is it. If this is my chance to finally be honest with someone who isn’t Aiden, Zaid and Jake.
I exhale slowly.
“There’s a lot going on,” I admit. And then, before I can second–guess myself, it all pours out.
I tell her everything.
1/4
Be Everything
About Zaid, and Aiden, and Jake. About how it started. About how it feels. About the stolen moments, the looks, the touches, the feelings I’ve tried to keep neat and tidy in my head but always end spilling all over the place. I tell her about the way they each make me feel different. Safe, Brave. Reckless.
I tell her about the guilt, the confusion, the fear of being judged, and how I hate the stares because they remind me of Florida, of the whispers after the accident.
By the time I stop talking, I feel like I’ve finished all the oxygen in the room. My chest is heaving a little. I realize I’m gripping the blanket so tight my knuckles are white.
I don’t want her to hate me, to think less of me. But I also don’t want to feel like I’m living a double life.
Nikki’s mouth is hanging open. For a long second, she says nothing. And then she stands up abruptly, running both hands through her hair.
“Oh my god,” she blurts.
I flinch. My stomach twists as I start shaking my head. “I know. I know, it’s-”
“Alina!” she cuts me off, stepping forward fast. “No. No judgment. Well… okay, maybe a little.” She gives me a wide–eyed look. “But seriously, girl. Three?! You’ve got three guys? At the same time?! I thought it was a lot with just Zaid and Aiden. But three!?”
I groan and bury my face in my hands. “Nikki…”
She starts laughing. Loudly. Like full–on belly laughing. “And Jake?! An older man?! What is your life?!”
That makes me smile in the middle of the emotions I’m struggling to keep contained.
She points a finger at me, nearly doubling over. “I can barely handle one! I don’t even know how to text back half the time! You’re out here managing three full–ass relationships.”
I pull my pillow over my head.
“Please stop yelling, Jake can probably hear you,” I mumble, even though I’m laughing, too. I can’t help it. Her energy is contagious
She flops back down beside me. “I have to catch my breath.”
I drop the pillow to look at her.
“This is a lot.” She’s breathing heavy.
I snort. “You’re acting like you’re going through this, and not me.”
“No wonder you freaked out yesterday. And threw up. I get it now.”
I frown.
“And the constant sleeping? Makes sense.”
Something shifts in my chest. “Wait. What do
you mean?”
Nikki looks at me like I’ve grown another head. “I thought this was your way of telling me.”
My heart hammers in my chest. “Of telling you what?”
2/4
Be Everything
She shakes her head. “Uh, nothing.”
“Nikki.”
She grimaces, standing as she wrings her hands together. “Do you have pregnancy tests here?”
I freeze.
My brain scrambles to answer, but I’m coming up empty. “Uh…”
“I’m sorry. I thought-”
I stare at her. My throat goes dry. “Oh, my god. Oh, fuck.”
She grabs my hands, her eyes wide with something between panic and excitement. “We’re gonna figure it out, okay? When’s the last time you had your period?”
I shake my head because I can’t fucking think.
Nikki sees the freak out and backtracks. “No, no, okay. It might be nothing? You’ve been stressed. But-”
I nod, but my heart is pounding, and the room suddenly feels too small.
It might be nothing.
But it might be everything.
“You said they haven’t been wearing protection.”
I nod. “But I’m on birth control.”
She laughs. “Yeah, but you’re getting fucked multiple times a day by multiple men,
I shake my head, my jaw dropping. “Why are you laughing? This isn’t funny.”
She schools her expression and shakes her head. “No, not funny.”
“What am I gonna do?” I run my fingers through my hair and lie back on the bed.
“Okay, first thing is first; let’s take that test.”
I nod, trying to think. “We have to go to the store.”
“Okay, good a plan,” she smiles. “Let’s go.”
I’m getting up, about to grab my shoes, when there’s a knock on my door.
Nikki and I freeze like we’ve been caught.
one of them is bound to make a baby.”
